Healing from the trauma of infidelity is a complex process, with disclosure marking a crucial step. However, handling the details of betrayal is equally significant for the recovery journey. Developing a common understanding of the history is key, allowing the narrative to incorporate the infidelity as part of the shared story.

Relapse: Why Can't You Stop?

When it comes to the services offered by many general marriage and family therapists, there seems to be little positive momentum gained. I think people genuinely mean well, but there’s little to no training offered by graduate schools on the topic of infidelity. Many profess to be experts in treating infidelity when they’ve really only treated a few cases.

The pain after an affair can be as crushing as losing a loved one if not more so. It's a pain like nothing else we experience.With the deaths of my loved ones, I experienced some kind of finality. However, in the case of betrayal, having to live with the ongoing consequences and corresponding fear of repeated betrayal perpetuates the trauma.

Until I can change how I see the problem (and the problem is me, what I've done, and what I'm capable of), I will never be safe for my wife. Until I can accept the reality of my own defects of character, I'll never get where I'm going.

One of the primary reasons couples fail when dealing with infidelity is the unfaithful spouse not "getting it." Empathy is imperative when it comes to healing the wounds of betrayal. When the connecting bond is broken in a marriage, the betrayed spouse experiences something like a primal panic. It's as if someone had struck them in the chest and knocked all of their breath out. Initially, all they can think about is getting that next breath.

“What’s left in darkness is under the power and control of that very same darkness”

There's no way to determine one Why; a lifetime can be spent searching for the Why. The complexity lies in the multitude of factors driving that choice. For some, the infidelity is caused by baggage brought into the marriage, or it's a bad response to existing marriage problems. Rather than addressing issues head on, someone may use some form of infidelity as the solution to their dilemma.

You can always replace trust with lots of honesty. If trust is broken, then honesty is the only commodity that will allow the betrayed mate to feel safe after the affair; it serves as their first sign in determining if their mate is committed to the relationship. Safety must be the goal, not trust. Creating safety lays the foundation for rebuilding trust.

I'm often asked: "When is it worth the effort to work things out, and when is it best to just move on?" It's an excellent question, so how do you begin answering it? Dr. Laura Schlessinger talks about the three A's as reasons to end a marriage: abuse, addiction and affairs.

I love premarital counseling. It's so easy. I don't mean to be sarcastic or condescending here, but I'm sure you'll get my drift as I continue on. The reason premarital counseling is so easy, is that you've got two people believing they have found the one person in the entire human race who can truly make them happy. They are definitely NOT asking the question, "At what point should I get a divorce?"…

It seems to me that much is written about managing anger, but not as much about the roots of our anger. If there is a universal emotion that we see as therapists when infidelity has been exposed, it's definitely anger.

The pain of betrayal is heart-wrenching, so it's understandable to fear re-experiencing this pain. But living in fear is no way to live. You've worked incredibly hard to get to this point, and you deserve to be able to breathe. You deserve to have good days without constantly worrying that the other shoe will drop.

Ever been afraid to look at something? For instance, when you rear-end someone's car and are afraid to get out and look at the damage? Why is it hard for us to look, to acknowledge what happened, and assume responsibility for our part in it? As Tim Keller says, "Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws.”

Brokenness is a condition of rigorous humility. It's a place where we recognize that we have nothing; however, it's not a place of despair. Because in our brokenness, we're blessed with every provision we need for a healthy recovery and personal restoration. This "brokenness" is actually a place of hope; it's a place where we let go of pride, image management, and defensiveness and courageously enter a space of freedom and life.

It takes most couples two years of hard work to sort out the trauma in the body, heart, and mind after the revelation of an affair. While you are on your healing journey, the experience of being together sexually can have a different meaning for each of you. It can be quite difficult to communicate without stonewalling, criticizing, getting defensive, or feeling contempt. Resuming sexual intimacy can provide another means of communication since, sometimes, the body can express what words cannot. But we need to learn multiple ways of communicating love and care.

Returning to sexual intimacy after an affair is often an intense and emotionally charged experience. Just thinking about re-engaging sexually after the revelation of an affair can fill both partners with anticipation and longing, fear and anxiety, and sometimes even dread. To address this aspect of recovery, one thing is for sure: We have to spend some time looking deep within ourselves and gently but directly face our fears, anxiety, and shame.

Understanding the reason behind infidelity is crucial to recovery. Without a basic understanding of why someone cheated, it's difficult for the betrayed spouse to determine the probability of future safety. The task of understanding the "why" behind their mate's infidelity is further complicated by gender difference.

Please note: This article's purpose is not to diagnose the reader or their spouse as having a disorder, and it is not stating that withholding sexual intimacy right after the discovery of an affair is wrong because rebuilding intimacy is a journey not done overnight.

When recovering from infidelity, it's important to understand how and why the experience changes our brain and our behavior. I'd like to talk about what betrayal trauma might look like for both the betrayed and the wayward spouses and how this shared trauma can result in unhelpful patterns in relating to one another-patterns sometimes referred to as trauma bonds.