The Number One Issue And How To Recover From An Affair

Do you know the number one question couples ask in recovery? What's the number one concern when learning how to recover from an affair?

"How do I ever trust again?" or "How do I regain their trust?"

We desperately need to know that our mate will be there when we need them. We need to know that they'll catch us if we fall, but affairs destroy all trust, and it's hard to imagine how that precious commodity can be rebuilt after it's been destroyed.

It's important to understand that trust isn't a necessary component for recovery and surviving infidelity.

You can always replace trust with lots of honesty. If trust is broken, then honesty is the only commodity that will allow the betrayed mate to feel safe after the affair; it serves as their first sign in determining if their mate is committed to the relationship. Safety must be the goal, not trust. Creating safety lays the foundation for rebuilding trust.

How great would it feel if you could trust your mate again or if your mate would trust you again? It's possible, but it takes time. Before that can happen, you and your mate have to explore what happened and what made you vulnerable, and you need to see your mate taking the necessary steps to move forward. Without willingness from both partners to be safe enough for the marriage, it's impossible for trust to grow. Without the unfaithful spouse first trusting their mate with what happened, it's hard for the betrayed spouse to trust. Without a mutual understanding of the problem, it's impossible to trust your mate. Without a belief that things can and will be better in the future, trust won't be reestablished. Until you believe your mate understands your pain and that they grieve over what they've done to you, it's hard to trust.

Rebuilding safety and trust is probably the most essential component of infidelity recovery.

Rebuilding trust isn't an easy undertaking. It's normal to wonder if it's even worth it before you decide to commit to the relationship long term. It takes patience, respectful communication, and dedication to the process of co-creating a better relationship.

Before we look at how to rebuild trust, let's first see if we can define trust. Trust is the confident belief that our spouse's intentions and motivations are thoughtful, kind, and compassionate toward us, that they have our best interest at heart; and we are similarly responsive to them and their needs.

We are all born with the ability to trust others but, through our life experiences, many of us become less trusting and begin to protect ourselves in very disconnecting ways. Think about when you fell in love and were getting married—how invigorating and intoxicating and scary all of that was, and it was all happening at the same time. Most of us had questions about our own or our fiancé's abilities to keep promises, to be dependable, to not betray us, and to not keep secrets. On the other hand, as an engaged or newlywed couple, we might have said that of course we trust each other.

But in reality, trust is built over time as we continue to feel emotionally safe with each other. John Gottman says that the work of building trust occurs as we move through life together, where there are misunderstandings and miscommunications and then repairs. That is where the healing, learning, and integration happens—in the repair. I can't say it strongly enough. Gottman developed a beautiful acronym to illustrate this work:

Awareness – Acknowledge each other's emotions. Consciously look for your spouse's emotional state.
Turning Toward – Address your spouse's emotion. Talk about it.
Tolerance – Accept the reality of your spouse's emotion.
Understanding – Momentarily put your own perspective aside and seek to understand their opinion.
Non-Defensive Listening – Help clarify your spouse's position first.
Empathy – Understanding what your spouse's experience is like.

In the book*, "What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal," he and Nan Silver suggest that we create attunement through the "art of intimate conversations," one conversation at a time, spread out over the lifespan of the relationship. The conversation is indeed an art, and intimacy is a fundamental element of trust. Remember, these conversations are hard. They are not always pleasant, and they may not make us feel close in the moment. But they are oh, so important.

Gottman says that intimate conversations include learning to put our feelings into words as well as asking thought-provoking open-ended questions, making sure you understand what the other is saying and feeling by responding in your own words, and reflecting back to them the emotion that you heard. When your partner feels heard and understood, it will open them up to share more with you.

There is no better time to practice what John Gottman is teaching than right now. If you are reading this article, then you are probably going through the most difficult season in your life. I believe that betrayal trauma presents a unique opportunity to repair and heal and then increase safety and trust. I am in no way minimizing the heartbreaking pain caused by infidelity, it creates a pain like no other in the relationship. It is very difficult to reestablish trust, but it is more than possible.

Infidelity recovery is work and takes time. It's messy; you are both going to make mistakes along the way. In the beginning, the unfaithful spouse needs to lead the way in taking responsibility and re-establishing trust.

Collaborated with Rick Reynolds CEO of Affair Recovery