Discovery: Processing the Details of the Affair
Healing from the trauma of infidelity is a multi-step process. After the difficult step of disclosure comes yet another challenging process: Handling the details. How you address the details of the affair or addiction determines how the recovery process will go. But how do you share these details without causing your mate further pain? And after all this information is shared, how do you process it in a healthy way?
Couples need to be able to develop a common understanding of their history. With that common history in place, the infidelity becomes a part of the story of “Us.” This is what allows the loss created by the infidelity to be transformed into something new. It’s what allows us to transition from the pain of that betrayal into a new life full of possibilities. How couples handle the process of discovery determines how quickly they can develop a common understanding.
Second only to stopping the infidelity behaviors, how couples handle discovery may be the most critical factor in healing and surviving infidelity. Some of you might have already received too much information about what occurred. I’m sorry that happened to you, but I promise that in the long run, with the right help, those memories will fade. As you go forward, it’s important not to inflict more damage.
What’s the Importance of Discovery After Infidelity?
A primary barrier to couples surviving infidelity is not knowing what happened. As counterintuitive as it may seem, recovery is facilitated by the wayward mate answering all the betrayed mate’s questions. The betrayed mate, however, needs to be the one to determine whether they want to know the details and how much they really want to know.
The late-Peggy Vaughan was a well-known researcher on the topics of infidelity and compulsive behaviors. She conducted numerous patient surveys to determine where therapists were excelling and falling short when treating infidelity. In a survey from her book “The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs," Vaughan found that 72% of betrayed spouses said they recovered from the sexual activity in the affair before they recovered from the deception. It’s the deception, during and after the affair, that creates the challenge for reconciliation.
It’s the deception, during and after the affair, that creates the challenge for reconciliation.
Deception creates a sense of betrayal and damages not only the trust one has in their mate, but also the trust they have in themselves. They no longer feel they can trust their reality or intuition; they’re not even sure whether they can trust their gut about what they’re seeing and whether it’s real. By providing answers to the betrayed mate’s questions, the wayward mate allows them to find footing in their new, albeit painful, reality.
While it is possible for couples to continue living together after betrayal, they'll have trouble reestablishing a deep, trusting and intimate relationship without discovery. Before the betrayed spouse can trust their mate, they need to be entrusted with details of the affair or acting out behaviors of the wayward mate. Without this full disclosure, they might:
Feel insignificant and, quite frankly, foolish.
Hear one message loud and clear: I don’t deserve the truth.
Feel more hurt, disrespected and unimportant.
Be unable to move forward.
Why Disclose When It Seems to Make Things Worse?
The discovery process might seem like a double-edged sword for the wayward spouse. If you don’t tell, your mate is miserable; if you do tell, your mate is still miserable. The act of answering questions might seem pointless when it ends in anger and tears but, the fact is, withholding information from your mate isn't just controlling, it’s also completely self-centered.
In my experience, disclosure is one of the most critical tasks for moving forward — either as a couple or an individual. Without knowing what happened, the betrayed mate most likely won't be able to fully trust their mate again. In the absence of the truth, the betrayed mate might also encounter these recovery roadblocks:
Obsessively trying to connect the dots in their head in an attempt to make sense of things.
Writing their own version of what happened, which will likely be far worse than reality.
Feeling that their relationship’s history has been destroyed and, ultimately, believing that the good times will always be tainted by the betrayal.
How Can the Betrayed Mate Get the Right Information?
Withholding information from your mate isn't just controlling, it’s also completely self-centered.
Until you’re able to get your mind around what happened, a part of you might continue searching for information to help understand your new reality. These answers play a vital role in healing after an affair. And until you have these answers, you might have difficulty moving forward.
To begin, you need to know the basic details of what happened. When asking questions, there are two important considerations for the betrayed spouse:
Avoid comparison questions: Asking comparison questions, such as how they acted out sexually with the affair partner or about physical attributes, will just make you feel worse. Comparison questions don’t provide relevant information, but they can create painful intrusive thoughts. Please, for your sake, fight the urge to ask these questions.
Limit “why” questions: As difficult as it might be to believe, there’s a strong likelihood that your mate doesn’t understand why the betrayal happened — at least not yet. Most likely, they weren’t thinking about anything other than the fact that they wouldn’t get caught. So while you want to understand why it happened to prevent it from happening again, please don’t get stuck on “why” questions.
How Can the Wayward Mate Get Through Discovery?
Discovery is tough and even scary, but it's an important step in the healing process for you and your mate. So where do you begin? Beyond having an open mind, these are the five recommendations I have for wayward mates as they approach discovery:
Do tell the whole truth. More damage is done by the deception than the sexual acts, so answer their questions; it’s the only way to help them find what’s real. Infidelity is the keeping of secrets, and continued deception blocks opportunities for healing.
Don’t control your mate’s response. Don’t shut your mate down when they get angry or emotional. This might very well be the most painful thing they’ll ever experience, so their emotional reactions are understandable. Be present and listen when they share their feelings.
Don’t get defensive. Defensiveness manipulates and controls how your mate sees you. Rather than being concerned about how you’re being seen, try to understand their perspective. In the long run, defensiveness can create even more distance between you and your mate.
Don’t minimize what you’ve done. Be rigorously honest, sharing the parts you don’t want to share. If you minimize what happened, your mate won’t believe you; if you tell it honestly, at least your mate will know you have good intentions.
Don’t decide what information they need. Let your mate dictate how much information they need. Ask them what level of detail they’d like, and answer their questions. Don’t try to control your mate by controlling the flow of information.
Collaborated with CEO of Affair Recovery Rick Reynolds