Why Did My Spouse Cheat?

There's no way to determine one Why; a lifetime can be spent searching for the Why. The complexity lies in the multitude of factors driving that choice. For some, infidelity is caused by baggage brought into the marriage, or it's a bad response to existing marriage problems. Rather than addressing issues head on, someone may use some form of infidelity as the solution to their dilemma. At times, it's about an addiction and, at times, it can even be situational, where someone does something careless in the moment and then feels trapped and unable to disentangle themselves. The "why" is a central question when it comes to healing after an affair.

What does the other person have that I don't?

The other person has many things that you don't, just as you have many things they don't. You're not all that, but neither is the person with whom they had the affair. What changes is how we view the other person. Typically, people enjoy how the affair partner makes them feel. Affair partners tend to serve as a vanity mirror and the mate as a makeup or magnifying mirror. This is why the affair partner seems to be the preferred commodity, even though, in the long run, it's just an illusion. The fact is: you possess 80% of the characteristics your mate wants while the affair partner only has 20% of what they want. Leaving the 80 for the 20 isn't very smart.

Why would they risk our happy life?

In all honesty, there is a good chance the person who's acting out isn't even thinking about risking a life of calm and serenity for the excitement of being with someone else. The compartmentalization that most addicts utilize separates the two realities in their mind. The risk is part of what brings the excitement, but the reality of losing everything they hold dear doesn't really hold any weight in the moment. At one level, they may be aware that they could lose everything, but the reality of that possibility doesn't really register in their mind.

It's a difficult concept to explain to someone who's not an addict. It's like trying to describe light or color to a blind person. You can tell them what it's like, but unless you experience it, then it's hard to believe someone could actually think this way. The person who lives like this still knows that what they're doing is wrong, but they have to make the choice to own up to it. What happens after the affair is an afterthought.

Why don't they feel any guilt?

Only a very small percentage of the population experiences no guilt when acting out. The vast majority does feel the prick of conscience, but they use defense mechanisms to push that guilt away. Blaming, victim thinking, minimization, rationalization, and denial are techniques used as a way to justify their actions. If they have resentment toward their mate, they may justify their actions by feeling their mate deserves it. If they've been doing the behavior for a longer period of time, their heart may have become hardened to the behavior, and it no longer seems that bad.

A lack of remorse doesn't mean they have no conscience. It can be an indication that somehow, in their mind, they have come up with a way to justify what they've done in order to avoid taking responsibility for their failure.

Did they ever really love me?

This one is hard to answer. It all depends on how you define love. One thing is for certain, if someone betrays their mate, I know that what they've done is not loving. However, I believe every human being is capable of loving someone while at the same time acting in ways that are selfish and contrary to love.

On the other hand, I believe many people have a very shallow understanding of love. They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality, they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If that's the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them happy. But if, for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even better, then it won't be long until the allure of something new draws them elsewhere.

If that occurs, does it mean they never loved you? Again, it's hard to know another's heart, but it is possible that their journey into the forbidden may have also opened their eyes after the affair and helped them realize that you're what they really cherish. At the very least, if they are choosing to work on the relationship, I believe their betrayal and your response may be the very thing that begins to teach them the true meaning of love. Many times, healing after an affair involves discovering what real love is.

What were they thinking?

Sad to say, if they had really been thinking and considering the impact of their actions, there is a good chance they never would have done this. I can't tell you how many times I've heard both men and women state that if they had known the consequences of their actions before they had acted, then they would have never done it. I think very few people rightly consider all the costs when they act out. For your sake and theirs, I wish they had been thinking. I'd have less people to help, but the world would be a happier place.

These questions and others are very common in the early stages of recovery. I think we want to be very careful about the information we want to know, or what we think we want to know, because we can end up piling on all the feelings of victimization and powerlessness. Sometimes, these questions can feed our obsession for more and more details that really may not be helpful.

I do believe that you need to be able to put your arms around what happened how long an affair went on, and the specific details of the affair, but I want to encourage you to avoid questions that lead to comparison and obsession. There's no doubt in my mind that you need to ask questions about emotional, physical, financial, and psychological safety. However, I think questions that help you both discover the meanings and the motives behind the affair are more helpful to you, your spouse, and your relationship. Questions like, "What did the affair mean to you?" "Why do you think it happened when it did? "Were you looking for it?" "Do you feel guilty?" "What have you learned about yourself?" "What have you learned about yourself in relationship since the affair?" "Did you ever worry that the affair would destroy us?" Questions like this can be really helpful.

Collaborated with Rick Reynolds, CEO of Affair Recovery