Infidelity Counseling: How Effective Is It?
When it comes to the services offered by many general marriage and family therapists, there seems to be little positive momentum gained. I think people genuinely mean well, but there’s little to no training offered by graduate schools on the topic of infidelity. Many profess to be experts in treating infidelity when they’ve really only treated a few cases. At Affair Recovery, we hear stories about this nearly every day.
The fact of the matter is infidelity is a complex beast. Every situation is uniquely different. Sure, there are trends and there are markers associated with the actions of both wayward and betrayed mates; however, your situation is going to be one of a kind in how it unfolds in your individual world. It will require an expert approach, not one that’s been honed over a few years or a handful of cases.
Where Infidelity Counseling Can Fall Short
Peggy Vaughan, who passed away in 2012, conducted research on infidelity and affairs back when little was known on the subjects. For her original research "Help for Therapists (and Their Clients) in Dealing with Affairs," she surveyed 1,083 people whose spouses had affairs. Vaughan asked the following questions in her research:
'Was the counselor helpful?'
57% said "no, mostly frustrating."
23% said "yes, but not as much as I’d like."
20% said "yes, very helpful."
'Did the counselor focus directly on the issue of affairs?'
59% said "no, mainly focused on general marital problems."
28% said "yes, but not as strongly or clearly as I’d like."
13% said "yes, very directly dealt with this issue."
Vaughan goes on to explain that therapists focusing mainly on general problems "appears to be one of the specific reasons for the 'mostly frustrating' experiences with counseling." She continues:
"Focusing on the marriage (and specifically whatever problems exist in the marriage) inadvertently reinforces the idea that the affair was caused by the marital problems or by a failure to 'meet your partner’s needs.' Suggesting that an affair is due to 'unmet needs' implies that the hurt partner is to 'blame' when their spouse has an affair — and is responsible for keeping it from happening again."
This cause-and-effect approach to infidelity counseling isn't just frustrating, but it's also just plain wrong in my opinion.
Why a Cause-and-Effect Approach Is Problematic
At Affair Recovery, we believe that the hurt spouse isn’t responsible for choices made by the wayward spouse. We also believe the wayward spouse isn’t responsible for choices made by the hurt spouse. We are only responsible for ourselves and our reactions. When therapists blame the marriage or the hurt mate for the affair, they're likely inexperienced in treating infidelity. Again, they might mean well, but they won't be able to help you truly heal unless they're experts on the complexities of betrayal.
To that end, when therapists take a cause-and-effect approach, they might not even realize its potential to hinder healing. But a cause-and-effect approach is problematic, as Vaughan touches upon in her research because it can reinforce this kind of misinformation:
If the betrayed mate had been more physically intimate in their relationship, then their partner wouldn’t have cheated.
If the betrayed mate just stops talking about the affair, then they’d finally develop new momentum in their relationship.
If the wayward mate strays, even just that once, then it’s normal for the betrayed partner to physically abuse and harm them.
If the wayward mate had never cheated, then their relationship wouldn’t be in such bad shape today.
When a therapist isn't an infidelity expert, they might also suggest you simply leave your mate because "that’s what they'd do.” At Affair Recovery, we believe that the pain of infidelity can be healed. We also believe that infidelity doesn't have to be the end of your relationship. For some, going through the crisis of infidelity allows them to rebuild their relationship into something better than they'd ever imagined. I, firsthand, can attest to the fact that a severe crisis can lead to positive, radical transformation.
Collaborated with CEO of Affair Recovery Rick Reynolds