Why Couples Fail After an Affair: Part 2 - Not Getting It

They Just Don't "Get It"

One of the primary reasons couples fail when dealing with infidelity is the unfaithful spouse not "getting it." Empathy is imperative when it comes to healing the wounds of betrayal. When the connecting bond is broken in a marriage, the betrayed spouse experiences something like a primal panic. It's as if someone had struck them in the chest and knocked all of their breath out. Initially, all they can think about is getting that next breath.

When first dealing with infidelity, the thought of placing themselves back in a situation where that wounding could occur again seems ludicrous. Yet, over time (if the unfaithful spouse shows remorse and is willing to do whatever it takes to one day be safe again) they might consider reconnecting. However, one very important step needs to occur before that can happen: the betrayed spouse needs to know that their mate understands the pain they are experiencing and that their spouse is grieved over what their actions have cost the betrayed. Anything short of that leaves the betrayed spouse wondering whether or not their mate really cares or even wants to care.

Early on, what we call the 'want-to variable' is vital. If they want to get it and want to get healthy, it will provide a safe foundation to slowly but surely move forward in hopes of eventual restoration. There are no guarantees in the pursuit of restoration; however, there are markers you hope to see if there is going to be forward momentum in the recovery process.

Why The Betrayed Spouse Keeps Bringing It Up

Until the betrayed spouse believes their unfaithful spouse "gets it," they experience an internal pressure to keep talking about it until their mate understands. Many unfaithful spouses interpret this behavior to be a tactic to shame them, torture them, or manipulate them. The betrayed spouse actually has the opposite intent: they continue to ask questions in an attempt to heal their wounds and to actually reconnect again. If the unfaithful spouse will accept responsibility for their self-centeredness and dysfunction early on, their spouse will feel safer earlier and begin to grieve.

Oddly enough, this grief will pave the way to begin the ultimate healing process.

Alternatively, though, when the unfaithful spouse remains hardened and self-centered, justifying their choices, the betrayed spouse is stuck and can't even imagine a healthy marriage. It just doesn't feel safe if their mate doesn't care enough to empathize with them and feel their pain. It also doesn't feel safe if the unfaithful spouse continues to refuse to talk about their choices or the impact of those choices on the heart and life of the betrayed spouse. It's human nature to want to know that we exist in our partner's mind, that we matter to them and that they will be there for us. After a betrayal, however, the hurt spouse no longer feels that they are present in their mate's mind. Only the emotional intimacy created through genuine empathy is capable of one day reestablishing that broken bond.

Unwilling To Process What Has Happened

Very often, I come across an unfaithful spouse who tells their mate to just get over it or says, "I don't want to keep talking about this anymore." And, while they may try to take responsibility for what they've done, their unwillingness to process what happened and their unwillingness to consider what their actions have cost their mate leaves their mate feeling paralyzed, unimportant, and unloved. In this type of situation, the unfaithful spouse communicates that their discomfort is more important than the pain their mate is experiencing as a result of their betrayal. There is hope for healing and reconciliation, but a willingness to try and understand the impact of the betrayal is essential. If you happen to be the unfaithful spouse, I'd encourage you to open your ears and to commit to the long haul of healing. Listen to your mate, and try to understand what your choices have cost your mate. Your willingness to put yourself in their shoes will go a long way in helping them know it's safe to reconnect with you.

Collaborated with Rick Reynolds CEO of Affari Recovery