Common Justifications for Why Women Cheat
Understanding the reason behind infidelity is crucial to recovery. Without a basic understanding of why someone cheated, it's difficult for the betrayed spouse to determine the probability of future safety. The task of understanding the "why" behind their mate's infidelity is further complicated by gender difference.
One of the biggest mistakes betrayed spouses fall prey to is mistakenly assuming their mate's motivations for cheating are similar to what their motivations would be, and that's usually not the case.
Assumed similarities are the primary barrier to understanding the "why" someone was unfaithful.
Over the past few years, my staff and I have seen a sharp increase in the number of unfaithful females who are reaching out for help. I also hope this article serves as a warning sign for those who have actually been betrayed, but are also at risk for acting out with an affair of their own.
One of our sayings at Affair Recovery is, "My mate is never my problem (that is not to say my mate doesn't have serious problems), my mate only reveals the problems in me."
As many betrayed spouses will attest, two people can be in a bad marriage and only one will cheat.
Why women cheat is not that dissimilar to why men cheat. It can stem from:
Developmental Trauma
Sexual Trauma
Grandiosity/Entitlement
Existential Crisis
Abuse Reenactment
Bad Company
Revenge
Limerence
And many other reasons.
Whether the partner who strayed is male or female, my warning to those who have been betrayed is to be careful about assuming you know their reason. Odds are, the person who strayed doesn't know all the "Why's" behind their actions, and if they don't know, you certainly don't know.
My encouragement to both parties is to assume you don't know and be curious. For the wayward spouse, I'd suggest finding a qualified therapist who can help you to identify contributing factors and find new strategies to remain safe. Another suggestion is to participate in our course for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing - working with others in that program often provides unique insight into your motivations and behaviors.
Below are two examples of what women believed to be contributing factors. First is the story of one of our mentor couples. Second is a poem written over 130 years ago.
The following poem is an example of a common justification used by women.
*Before reading the following poem let me say that her reason does NOT justify an affair. Other choices are ALWAYS readily available. I honestly believe that if I had had the opportunity to work with this person, most likely she would have discovered that the survival strategies she carried with her from childhood into the marriage also contributed to her actions.
World Voices
A wayward wife to her husband
Branded and blackened by my own misdeeds
I stand before you; not as one who pleads
For mercy or forgiveness, but as one,
After a wrong is done,
Who seeks the why and wherefore.
Go with me
Back to those early years of love, and see
Just where our paths diverged. You must recall
Your wild pursuit of me, outstripping all
Competitors and rivals, till at last
You bound me sure and fast
With vow and ring.
I was the central thing
In all the Universe for you just then.
Just then for me, there were no other men.
I cared
Only for tasks and pleasures that you shared.
Such happy, happy days. You wearied first.
I will not say you wearied, but a thirst
For conquest and achievement in man's realm
Left love's barque with no pilot at the helm.
The money madness, and the keen desire
To outstrip others, set your heart on fire.
Into the growing conflagration went
Romance and sentiment.
Abroad you were a man of parts and power--
Your double dower
Of brawn and brains gave you a leader's place;
At home you were dull, tired, and commonplace.
You housed me, fed me, clothed me; you were kind;
But oh, so blind, so blind.
You could not, would not, see my woman's need
Of small attentions; and you gave no heed
When I complained of loneliness; you said
"A man must think about his daily bread
And not waste time in empty social life--
He leaves that sort of duty to his wife
And pays her bills, and lets her have her way,
And feels she should be satisfied."
Each day
Our lives that had been one life at the start,
Farther and farther seemed to drift apart.
Dead was the old romance of man and maid.
Your talk was all of politics or trade.
Your work, your club, the mad pursuit of gold
Absorbed your thoughts. Your duty kiss fell cold
Upon my lips. Life lost its zest, its thrill,
Until
One fateful day when earth seemed very dull
It suddenly grew bright and beautiful.
I spoke a little, and he listened much;
There was attention in his eyes, and such
A note of comradeship in his low tone,
I felt no more alone.
There was a kindly interest in his air;
He spoke about the way I dressed my hair,
And praised the gown I wore.
It seemed a thousand, thousand years and more
Since I had been so noticed. Had mine ear
Been used to compliments year after year,
If I had heard you speak
As this man spoke, I had not been so weak.
The innocent beginning
Of all my sinning
Was just the woman's craving to be brought
Into the inner shrine of some man's thought.
You held me there, as sweetheart and as bride;
And then as wife, you left me far outside.
So far, so far, you could not hear me call;
You might, you should, have saved me from my fall.
I was not bad, just lonely, that was all.
A man should offer something to replace
The sweet adventure of the lover's chase
Which ends with marriage, Love's neglected laws
Pave pathways for the "Statutory Cause."1
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Written around 1885
As I said above, I doubt her husband's neglect is the only contributing factor, and it's not a viable excuse. If it were, then every situation in which a partner feels neglected would serve as a justification for infidelity. But it does pull back the curtain and reveal this woman's thoughts.
In closing, I don't think there's a simple answer as to why women cheat. It's complicated, but I know healing and transformation are possible for both partners and for the marriage if you're willing to do the work.
Collaborated with Rick Reynolds at Affair Recovery