Living Without Fear
In infidelity recovery, how do you handle fear? For the betrayed mate, being deceived or hurt again can be crippling fear. For the wayward mate, these fears are much the same. They fear causing their mate more pain, but they also fear sabotaging their personal recovery. The pain of betrayal is heart-wrenching, so it's understandable to fear re-experiencing this pain. But living in fear is no way to live. You've worked incredibly hard to get to this point, and you deserve to be able to breathe. You deserve to have good days without constantly worrying that the other shoe will drop.
To start living without fear, I recommend this technique. While these affair recovery steps may not work for every situation, they've personally helped me find hope, healing, and a way through some of the darkness after infidelity.
Remembering Your Potential Can Triumph Over Fear
Decades ago, the company I worked for visited an outdoor high ropes course for personal development and team-building activities. One of the challenges was walking across a 20-foot beam called the "Cat Walk." The beam was suspended approximately 30 feet above ground.
But living in fear is no way to live. You deserve to have good days without constantly worrying that the other shoe will drop.
Before climbing up to the suspended beam, we each walked across a similar beam on the ground. None of us had a problem walking across the grounded beam, but the Cat Walk was another story. When I climbed 30 feet into the air to cross it, I froze. My mind was telling me I could do it since, just moments before, I had crossed the beam on the ground, but seeing 30 feet of airspace below my feet took my breath away. It left me paralyzed with fear.
Recovering from infidelity pain is not unlike this experience. When we're traumatized, it's easy to slide into a defensive operating system. In this state, it can feel as if the world's out to get us. We expect things to go wrong. Frankly, we fear the worst. Suddenly, routine day-to-day tasks, such as checking social media or even driving to work, can seem terrifying when recovering after an affair or a betrayal. You've done these activities before, but now you may fear encountering painful triggers and reminders in the process.
So how do you come to a place where you can move forward, where you can live as you always have, and tackle each day without fear? As I stood frozen, unable to cross the Cat Walk, the facilitator suggested I put on a blindfold. I thought that was an absurd suggestion; it frankly boggled my mind. But he persisted and, eventually, I gave in. The blindfold worked like a charm. Covering my eyes, where I could no longer see the 30-foot drop, eliminated my fear and allowed me to walk across the beam.
Focusing on 'Remember When' Instead of 'What Ifs'
Focusing on something solid can help you push away fear and embrace your inner strength.
A few years ago, Stephanie and I visited Israel. This trip had been on our bucket list for years. Something our guide said reminded me of my Cat Walk experience. He said that during World War II, one way that people dealt with their fears was by "walking backward." They would intentionally keep their hearts and minds focused on events from the past that revealed hope, love and the good in the universe. This allowed them to "back into" the future. When faced with fear, it helped them find the strength to move forward; it helped them remember that things were good once and they could be good once again.
Often, what robs us of joy are the situations we create in our minds. When recovering from infidelity pain, we can spend so much time worrying about situations that might never happen. We can also get really worked up about something on the horizon, expecting it to completely derail us. In reality, we're stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Remember, you've survived difficult and devastating setbacks, and you can survive whatever else comes your way.
Instead of spending time contemplating "what ifs" that produce fear, I encourage you to think about "remember whens" while recovering after an affair or a betrayal. Focusing on something solid, the times that you got through situations that seemed impossible, can help you push away fear and embrace your inner strength. Alternatively, fixating on everything that could go wrong allows fear to overtake you. When you're controlled by fear, it can feel as if you're going through life walking on a 30-foot high Cat Walk and, in the event of even the slightest breeze, will surely fall.
Choosing To Be Brave Instead of Afraid
When your mind is clouded by confusion and hurt, it can be challenging to recall "remember whens." I urge you to give yourself grace; you can get there. No matter where you are at this very moment, you can move forward out of strength rather than fear. You can arrive at a place that's full of hope and clarity. Even in the severest of crises, there's always hope for a breakthrough. Consider this story that someone shared with me, which has been edited to preserve anonymity:
It may not seem like it right now, but you are brave enough and strong enough to keep going.
As I walked on the beach, I considered ending it all. Just 15 minutes before, I had put my three kids and wife on a plane to go stay with one of her friends, and I had no idea when — or whether — they were coming back. Susan had given me no hope that she would return anytime soon, and I was truly lost. I drove straight from the airport to the beach, and I got on my knees and fell apart right at the shoreline. I couldn't see any way out, and I couldn't see how any of this would one day make sense or feel any better. I simply prayed and asked God to help me not end my life and, somehow, be a better father if I could no longer be a husband. I'll never forget the hopelessness and agony of that day.
It's been several years and, I have to tell you Rick, there have been many "remember whens" since that day on the beach. I had no idea that there was still hope; everything was so dark for me and my family. But when we have tough times now, we consider our "remember whens" and they help restore our faith and courage. They help us remember the small victories we've had and could have again in the future. They help us make it through to the other side and give us hope when we encounter new challenges. "Remember whens," for us, serve as a bridge from fear to hope.
When recovering from infidelity pain, it's understandable to be afraid — and each mate will likely have different fears.
For the betrayed mate, they may fear that their loved one is still hiding things.
For the wayward mate, they may fear retaliation if they're fully transparent.
Both mates may also fear having to live in a pretend normal state, where they keep what's happening from their friends and family to avoid judgment.
Whatever your fears may be, know it is possible to overcome them. It may take practicing affair recovery steps that feel anything but second nature, such as walking blindfolded across a terrifying Cat Walk, but you can triumph over fear. The first step is identifying your fears. The second step is getting help to move past them.
I sincerely hope that you will come to a place where you're able to live out of hope rather than fear. Also, I always enjoy hearing from you all, so I encourage you to leave comments below about how the "remember whens" strategy has worked for you. These affair recovery steps transformed my life, and I truly hope they can help you walk forward with confidence and strength.
Collaborated with Rick Reynolds, CEO of Affair Recovery