When to Save a Marriage and Surviving Infidelity

I'm often asked: "When is it worth the effort to work things out, and when is it best to just move on?" It's an excellent question, so how do you begin answering it? Dr. Laura Schlessinger talks about the three A's as reasons to end a marriage: abuse, addiction and affairs.

In these circumstances, the betrayer has chosen something other than the marriage, and I fully agree with this concept. The betrayal of a marriage is no small matter, and surviving infidelity is not easy. For many, infidelity is the most devastating and painful event in their lives; however, leaving a marriage after an affair to escape the pain and loss of self-respect is not always the answer. It is possible that, in a strange way, the crisis created by the betrayal might provide the right environment for healthy change.

Recognizing and Understanding Your Baggage

There's an old saying: "Those who fail to learn from their past mistakes are destined to repeat them." It's true. There is no action that either spouse could have committed that would justify any of the three A's. At the same time, no person is guiltless. Don't take what I just said and go verbally beat your spouse with it. The point is to look at your personal failures and not just your mate's.

We all bring our own personal baggage into a marriage and, unlike with airlines, it never gets lost in transit. It will always arrive at our next relationship. Before abandoning ship, we recommend discovering the nature of your personal baggage and how it has contributed to the problems in your marriage. This is a key process in surviving infidelity. The answers that each of you discover may well provide motivations for reconciling your marriage.

We all bring our own personal baggage into a marriage and, unlike with airlines, it never gets lost in transit. It will always arrive at our next relationship.

Determining Whether to Reconcile or Move On

One of the first signposts in determining whether you should reconcile a marriage after an affair is the unfaithful spouse's initial response. They need to display a strong willingness to do whatever it takes to move toward health and recovery. If they're not willing to be honest and stop their hurtful behaviors or inappropriate relationships, then the chances of saving the marriage become questionable.

We suggest that betrayed spouses give wayward spouses a short season to see whether they will come back. If they don't, then it's time for the betrayed to move on. The wayward partner needs to truly grieve over what they did to their mate and the pain they caused them. Without this remorse and reflection, moving past infidelity becomes much more difficult. We're not saying it's hopeless, but it will be a very challenging road.

Taking the Time to Properly Decide

Another thing to consider is timing. It's difficult to make sound decisions when we're emotional. At the initial impact of the revelation of a betrayal, it's difficult to know whether it's worth the effort to save the marriage. When dealing with infidelity, the pain and trauma for both partners can override any sense of reason.

Additionally, it's impossible to tell how one's mate is going to respond over the first 12 months. The betrayed spouse may find themselves on an emotional roller coaster for as long as 18 months. While 18 months is not that long, it can feel like an eternity to the couple going through its ups and downs. The ride does get less intense as the process goes on, but it can feel as if it will go on forever in the beginning. The more time you allow for emotions to subside and reason to rule, the better your chances will be of making a sound decision after an affair.

During this initial process, it's key that both mates receive the proper support to care for themselves, their relationship and to minimize any further damage. To simply rough it out on your own will not only exhaust you mentally and emotionally, but it will also cause additional collateral damage to your marriage.

The more time you allow for emotions to subside and reason to rule, the better your chances will be of making a sound decision after an affair.

Considering the Good and Bad

One of the simple factors in deciding whether to reconcile a marriage is past history. If at least 10% of the marital history was positive, then the probabilities of a positive outcome and surviving infidelity increase significantly. Of course, it may be difficult to be honest about the marital history.

The pain of the betrayal might cloud judgment when considering the positives in the past. Often, all the betrayed spouse can see are the failures — not the successes. At the same time, it's not uncommon for the unfaithful spouse to rewrite the marital history and eliminate all the good times in order to justify their actions. I encourage both mates to try to honestly look at the reality of their history. If it was good at some point in the past, then it's possible for it to be good again in the future.

There are also some more common reasons for trying to salvage a marriage, such as finances, children and shared history. In reality, one of the main reasons for saving a marriage is because it's worth it, not only for yourself but also for those around you. At the point of revelation, there is often little or no perceived value in the marriage but, whether you see it or not, there is value in saving your relationship. It is worth it.

I encourage both mates to try to honestly look at the reality of their history. If it was good at some point in the past, then it's possible for it to be good again in the future.

Collaborated with Rick Reynolds, CEO of Affair Recovery