Denial and Recovery After an Affair.
Ever been afraid to look at something? For instance, when you rear-end someone's car and are afraid to get out and look at the damage? Why is it hard for us to look, to acknowledge what happened, and assume responsibility for our part in it? As Tim Keller says, "Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws."
Why Owning What Happened Is So Hard
Years ago, I had the privilege of working with a program called "The Deniers' Project." A certain percentage of people convicted of crimes, are guilty, but never admit they did it. You can imagine how difficult it is to provide treatment for someone who never admits they have a problem, or who never admits that anything even happened. The goal of the program was to try to get these individuals to own what they had done. (They had already been convicted, so there was no danger of them getting into any more trouble.)
Denial temporarily provides protection from the realities we're not ready, or equipped, to face.
One particular exercise stuck with me. On week six, we'd have them watch footage from the British Broadcasting Company of the Allied Forces entering a Nazi death camp. By far, this is the most disturbing film I've ever seen. Just the sight of what these soldiers encountered made the men in the group physically ill. Then, at the end of the film, I'd give them their homework. They were to go home and write an essay explaining what they would do if they were forced to watch that video daily for eight hours.
Inevitably, the answers were surprisingly similar. They said they would begin to think of it as a horror film, something such as "Friday the 13th." When asked why, they would explain how it would be far too disturbing to live in that reality on a daily basis. When I'd point out how that was denial, they'd say maybe so but, regardless, the alternative was just too awful.
At that point, I'd explain how denial is one of God's greatest gifts. Without denial, it would be difficult indeed to maintain our sanity. Some realities of life are too horrible for us to handle. Denial temporarily provides protection from the realities we're not ready or equipped, to face.
Why We Have to Face It All Eventually
As you're probably aware, denial isn't just a problem for convicted criminals; it's something that many of us experience on a daily basis. As the wayward spouse, if I were able to fully comprehend the devastation caused by my actions, it would be more than I could handle. If we had the ability to be totally honest with ourselves, who and what we are as well as what we have or haven't done, it would be a huge jolt to the system. Life graciously allows us to not experience the full weight of realities all at once. That being said, the only pathway to healing is one of honesty.
The only pathway to healing is one of honesty.
There was a reason why that program was established. We knew that if they were never able to face the reality of what they'd done and what they were capable of, then it was almost guaranteed that they would do it again. I'm sure none of them wanted to continue hurting people, but the denial was also the mechanism that might allow them back into the pattern of destruction and offense.
Whether after an affair or another hurtful situation, if we're not willing to take the steps to explore who we are and accept what our actions have cost others, we won't be able to find the solution. Instead, we will remain stuck in denial, trying to prove that we're not what we actually are. My first question is NOT, "Do you want to save your marriage?" What I want to know is, "Do you want a better, more extraordinary and meaningful life?" If so, we must summon all our strength to get honest with ourselves first, then with our spouse.
How to Break Free From 'Pretend Normal'
"Pretend Normal", It's less about how we present ourselves to others, and it's more about our refusal to see ourselves as we truly are and to admit what we've actually done. We don't want to accept the realities of our limitations or our defects of character. We prefer to live in denial and pretend that we're "normal." We then set out to prove that reality, even to those we've betrayed and violated.
You've got to accept your situation in order to get through it.
Pretend normal sounds like this:
Who wants to be honest and admit what they've done or how they've acted?
What would people think if they really knew what happened?
What would we think if we were really honest with ourselves about our actions, our selfishness or our lack of character?
How will I ever deal with my spouse's issues if I let on that what I've done trumps all their weaknesses and flaws?
After an affair, it's much more comforting to focus on the actions and defects of others than it is to face our own pain and trauma head-on. To move forward, however, you've got to accept your situation in order to get through it. Denial does not lead to healing.
What True Recovery Is All About
W.H. Auden says, "We would rather be ruined than changed. We would rather die in our dread than climb the cross of the moment and let our illusions die." That certainly holds true for my life. The last thing I want to do is look past my denial and honestly face my reality. But if I truly want to heal and change, I must be willing to face the consequences of my choices. Recovery is possible but only by grace and a willingness to be honest.
Especially after an affair, recovery takes:
Accepting our weakness — not proving we're strong.
Being honest with self and others — not pretending we're normal.
Showing humility and brokenness — not pride or self-loathing.
Please note: When we self-loathe or remain under condemnation for our actions, we're still thinking about ourselves and making our own self, rather than those around us, the center of our universe. Not only that, but it's adopting a victim instead of a victor mentality, which just isn't conducive to true recovery after an affair.
Again, don't be afraid to be honest. Whether you're the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse, you'll find it's better to be truthful than to hold on to false illusions about who you are or what your relationship is like. Honesty creates opportunities to get healthy, first for yourself and then for your family or spouse. Once you stop living in denial, you can begin to build the life you've always wanted.
Collaboration with Rick Reynolds, CEO of Affair Recovery.