Understanding the Mind of the Unfaithful
To fully comprehend infidelity, we must acknowledge and understand many different influential components, not the least of which is secrecy. Secrecy plays a huge role in the wayward spouse's absence of guilt when violating commitments or morals. "No blood, no foul," right? When people pursue a course of action that benefits them but harms others, they try to minimize the consequences or avoid altogether looking at the harm they've caused. If minimization fails to work, then they will distort the consequences or choose not to believe the evidence. "As long as the harmful results of one's conduct are ignored, minimized, distorted, or disbelieved, there is little reason for self-censure to be activated."1
It's easier to harm others when their potential suffering isn't visible or is out of mind. It takes a strong sense of commitment to stay the course of truly believing you will never get caught. On the other hand, when people have to witness the distress and pain they've caused and are made aware of the high cost of their actions, people will tend to act according to their beliefs and values.
"Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will. Integrity is not a search for the rewards of integrity. Maybe all you ever get for it is the largest kick in the ass the world can provide. It is not supposed to be a productive asset."
― John D. MacDonald
Living in today's world requires more integrity than ever before. Mechanisms of social censure have vanished overnight. Once upon a time, porn was found at the corner drug store, and the odds of being seen viewing the magazines' offerings came with the risk of exposure. The risk of disappointing and hurting loved ones served as an inhibitor to many who were tempted. In the past, the town gossip served as an inhibitor to moral disengagement. It's not so easy to violate what you profess to believe if you run the risk of becoming fodder for the rumor mill and destroying those you love.
Today, minimizing the severity of almost any type of betrayal is easier than ever. The advent of social media apps and websites promoting discrete affairs all create the illusion that infidelity is just a game. To the person using minimization, the level of upset displayed by their mate can seem way over the top. If it isn't something that seems like a big deal to you because to you it meant nothing, why should it be a big deal to your mate? This sort of thinking shows how minimization strips the unfaithful spouse of empathy and erects concrete barriers to healing. Minimizing the injurious effects of betrayal allows the unfaithful spouse to see the betrayed spouse as the one with the problem.
"Why can't they just get over it and move on?"
"It meant nothing to me, why is it such a big deal to you?"
"I asked you to forgive me, what's your problem?"
"Let's just move on already."
In reality, it's a huge deal when someone is betrayed, but telling yourself that no one will ever know or minimizing the cost of betrayal will allow the suspension of your morals and create a path for you to do things you never dreamed you'd do. Commitments are a big deal, and the impact of infidelity is extreme. As an unfaithful spouse, have the integrity to examine your beliefs about betrayal. If from your perspective, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, then you are already distorting the consequences and placing yourself at risk.
Integrity stays true to commitments even when no one is watching. If you believe that statement to be true but you're someone whose actions violate their beliefs, then you need to explore what rationalizations you're using for your behavior. As a man once told Shirley Glass, "On a good day, when things are going well, I'm committed to my wife. On a day when things are just okay, I'm committed to my marriage. And on a day when things aren't so great, I satisfy myself by being committed to my commitments." I hope we'll all remain true to our commitments.
Collaborated with Rick Reynolds Affair Recovery CEO