Nine Signs of an Emotional Affair

Emotional affairs are devastating. The collateral damage from sharing your heart and life with another person outside the marriage devastates the betrayed spouse and upends all of life for the couple and family. Trying to piece together your heart and life post-affair is not only challenging, but it can also be one of the most discouraging and frustrating things you'll go through as a married couple.

But just what is an emotional affair? What qualifies it as such? Perhaps your spouse is resisting the idea that what happened was truly an emotional affair—what then?

If 82% of affairs happen with someone who at first was "just a friend" as Shirley P. Glass' research suggests, then maybe there's benefit in exploring how these friendships begin. How does one have an emotional affair, and what signs are there that an emotional affair is developing? Is there something missing in our traditional monogamous relationships? What's the emotional cause that paves the pathway for a statutory clause?

To begin, let's define the term.

Emotional affairs exclude physical intimacy but include emotional intimacy.

This would include anyone you know and may see in person during work or recreation as well as virtual friends through social media. This would include a friend you text, email, Tweet, Kik, Snap, Instagram, Facebook, or any number of new mediums that are now available. While there is no in-person physical intimacy, emotional affairs are carried on in secret. I've listed below nine signs that you or your spouse may be developing an emotional affair in the hopes that you will be able to avoid them.

*Keep in mind while reading that this is written as a how-to in reverse, meaning these behaviors are what not to do as they are signs that you may be developing an emotional affair:

1. Intimacy Avoidance:

To have an emotional affair it's helpful to forgo intimacy and substitute closeness. Intimacy is the willingness to know your mate as well as a willingness to be known. With intimacy avoidance, you begin to avoid speaking up and creating conflict in your marriage. You will instead settle for closeness and avoid the risk of rejection by your mate. Intimacy avoidance allows you to silence the conversations which brought your marriage together and open up the door for new opportunities. Avoiding rejection can successfully foil your mate's attempts to know you and create a new desire for a connection from an acquaintance, or newfound friend on the Internet. You have begun to save conversations about marital dissatisfaction for your "friend". Dealing directly with your mate about marital issues can rob you of opportunities to connect with someone outside the marriage.

2. Approval Seeking:

The void created by those fearing rejection and settling for false intimacy creates a craving for the approval of others. It won't be long until you discover someone who listens well and who is fascinated by the words you speak. Pursuing opportunities to acquire their validation will help fuel the flame for more. It's not really an affair, right? What's wrong with talking with someone who tells you how good you look, who is fascinated by your success, or who appreciates your accomplishments? You'll allow yourself to believe that this new person accepts your true self and don't forget to blame your mate for not providing the same validation as your new friend.

3. Pimping Tenderness:

To have a friend you have to be a friend. You always show sincere interest in the life of your "friend." Listening and showing unmatched concern when they have problems in their life. Whenever possible, criticize others when they fail to respond or truly appreciate your new friend. Showing concern by picking lent off their clothes. Never miss an opportunity to tell them how nice they look or what a good job they've done. Learning to be their number one cheerleader so they'll always come to you for encouragement. Seeking out every opportunity possible to be thoughtful. Bringing them coffee in the morning. Offering to help when possible. Creating opportunities to go to lunch or dinner. When dressing, consider what they would like. Non-sexual touching such as rubbing their shoulders or hugging will help create familiarity and fuel relational desire. When your mate shares an opinion you always remind yourself what your "friend" would have said. Forbidden fruit is always sweeter. You'll find the excitement of keeping your relationship secret will only enhance your time together. When it feels your family is getting in the way of your time with your "friend," you'll know you've finally ignited an emotional affair.

4. Relational Lethargy:

It takes a lifetime to truly know the mysteries of your mate. It takes over 30 years of marriage to even reach your sexual potential. The deeper waters of a person's soul take years to discover. Paraphrasing the Second Law of Thermodynamics: you can never get as much out of a system as you put into it. Marriages have seasons where it feels you're putting in far more than you are getting out. Relational lethargy can allow you to justify your actions due to the lack of return from your marriage. Convincing yourself that your mate deceived you and that they've failed to live up to expectations, you'll begin to curtail your investments in the marriage and enjoy the effortless infatuation that comes from the beginning stages of a new friendship.

5. Objectification:

Sustaining the denial necessary to justify an emotional affair requires objectification. It's necessary to see only the negative aspects of one's mate if you have any hope of pushing away the guilt that might come from betrayal. When your mate raises concerns about your friend, you don't listen; instead, you tell them they are being petty and controlling and are overreacting. Objectification of the affair partner is also necessary to sustain the emotional affair. Much of the benefit gained from an emotional affair is derived from seeing the other person as needing help, or as someone who is the most astute, most intelligent, most talented, or most beautiful. We imagine them being our counter-part. Someone who gets me or who is like me. Why would you want to have an emotional affair with someone who's just average? Magnifying what you most admire in the other person and minimizing their deficits will help you feel better about your decision to continue the "friendship".

6. Minimization:

If people really understood the long-term cost of their actions would they be able to continue? That awareness would only serve as an anxiety generator. To have an emotional affair, you minimize the impact of your actions and feign surprise when your mate gets upset. Never consider the impact on your children, after all, they're resilient and over time they'll come to forgive you.

7. Self-deception:

Deceiving yourself into believing that you're as wonderful as your emotional affair partner sees you is absolutely necessary to obtain maximum benefit from your newfound relationship. Affair partners attempt to convince you that they're better than your mate and that you'd have been far better off if you'd married them. Marriage partners are the makeup mirrors of our lives. They highlight every flaw and blemish. Affair partners are vanity mirrors. We look amazing in their eyes. Self-deception requires we suspend reality and imagine ourselves as seen through our affair partner's eyes. Failing to deceive one's self makes entitlement almost impossible.

8. Being an Emotional Confidant:

To have an emotional affair it's imperative that you begin providing the emotional intimacy that your mate doesn't. You also need to look to them to be your primary source of support. Looking to them as your primary confidant will communicate their importance in your life and providing the same for them will cause them to become dependent on you rather than looking to their mate. You never miss an opportunity to probe how they feel and promise to be there if they need you. It won't be long until you're the most important person in your life.

9. Develop Common Interests:

Creating a shared activity with your "friend" provides something special the two of you can have in common. Activities such as bike riding, running, working out, etc. are great activities that allow a legitimate excuse to spend time with your "friend". Having something unique to your friendship allows for a feeling of exclusivity.

Collaborated with Affair Recovery Center CEO Rick Reynolds