Pimping Tenderness

Years ago, John entered my office requesting help for his dilemma. "Women are always coming on to me," he began, "and my wife is really upset about it. What can I do?" Puzzled, I asked him to give me examples. I assured him I was better looking than him and didn't have the same problem, so there must be something more going on. "Well, one woman came into my office today, kicked off her shoes, came behind my desk, and began to give me a back rub." "Really?" I replied, "give me another example." "Well at the little league game on Saturday, I was sitting in the stands watching my son play, and this woman came up and sat beside me, gave me a great big hug, and said she was counting the hours till she saw me. "Incredible," I responded, "I've been to a lot of little league games and I've never had that happen. Did you happen to know these women?"

I've always been amazed at how naïve people tend to be when it comes to birds and bees. It's as if they have no clue how things get started. Of course, John knew these women, but his blindness to his own behaviors continually put him at high risk for an affair. Upon further investigation, I discovered his secret: he was the master of compliments. John had an incredible photographic memory. Each day, he would go around the office and compliment the women on their dresses. If they wore a new set of clothes, he noticed. If they changed anything about their hair, he made a comment. If they had a new set of earrings, he took note. Even if they changed the color of their nail polish, he'd point it out. I suspect that for most of these women there had never been a man so attentive, especially their husbands. For that reason, John had a constant stream of women coming by his office checking to see if he would notice what was new.

Grooming behaviors are those behaviors we use to cause someone to be drawn to us. For men, that behavior is what I call "pimping tenderness." It is a man's way of stirring emotion and affection in a woman and drawing her attention in his direction. All a man has to do is feign interest, pay attention, give compliments, and the game is on. For women, grooming behaviors may involve flirting or certain ways of dressing. "What's wrong with flirting?" some will ask and, for a single person, there is nothing wrong with the dance of courtship, but the committed man or woman is playing with fire. Even if, at the beginning of a playful encounter, there is honestly no interest in the other person, the emotions generated by a flirty conversation may well lead to rogue desires that threaten to destroy the lives of many.

Below are a few examples of the types of grooming behaviors I see most frequently.

The Rescuer:

The Rescuer sees an opportunity to be overly concerned with a crisis or unmet need is a member of the opposite sex. This person will go out of their way to help them and save them from a situation they may not even know they need rescuing from. The Rescuer sees a need and seeks to meet that need for the purpose of drawing attention to themselves as a savior or hero.

The Protector:

The Protector generates feelings of safety and security in order to woo those around them. You may hear a protector say things like, "I would never let someone treat you like that." "I can't believe someone would do that to you." "How could anyone ever do that to someone as sweet as you?" The Protector assumes a role they've not been given in order to win affection and admiration.

The Flirter:

The Flirter seeks any and every opportunity to affirm, encourage, and flirt with others. This person looks for insecurities with an awareness of their ability to take that insecurity and affirm its counterpart. The Flirter loves to be in the right place at the right time in order to create feelings of security and to make the other person feel "special." They like to use statements like, "As beautiful as you are, I'm just not sure how that would ever be a problem."

The Complimenter:

This person notices, with impeccable awareness, new clothes, talents, or any changes in jewelry or hairstyle. The Complimenter is extremely observant and seeks to affirm through conversational applause. They also seek to utilize empathetic validation—showing care and concern for what others have or are currently enduring—in order to show themselves to be a safe place for validation and safety.

The Revealer:

The Revealer loves to share secrets or create an air of emotional intimacy with their revelations. We often see this type of grooming behavior with old flames from years past. From a Revealer, you'll hear things like, "I always had a secret crush on you," or, "I never told you this, but you always made me feel special." The Revealer looks to unleash hidden feelings of affection in order to tap into attachment bonds from years earlier. This person also likes to tell secrets about themselves to create a perceived vulnerability. Therefore, the one with whom they share feels safe and trusted, creating short-term trust and intimacy.

The Encourager:

The Encourager seeks to find an opportunity to build up members of the opposite sex as a type of manipulation. From affirmation to simple praise, their desire is to shift the person's focus from their own success to the person actually encouraging them. It's also an attempt to establish a bond that drives that person to continually seek out the Encourager when they need a boost in self-esteem. While meeting the short-term needs of each party, the encourager also lays the groundwork for future intimacy that will continue to be reestablished each time encouragement or validation is needed.

Couples recovering from the betrayal of infidelity need a culture of safety in order for healing and re-engagement to begin. Creating that environment requires effort on the parts of both spouses. Examine how you interact with other people. You may be totally unaware of your high-risk grooming behaviors. If you are unsure of your grooming behaviors, then ask your mate to point out any behaviors that they perceive as risky. Most of us tend to get defensive if our mate shares what they see as our risky behaviors. That's because we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions, but others judge us by our actions. Since you don't have corrupt intentions as you interact with others, it seems "harmless" to you. After all, you're "just friends." The danger lies in the probability of the positive attention you receive in return for these grooming behaviors catching you by surprise and stirring rogue desires. At the very least, your risky behaviors will leave your mate feeling unsafe and uncared for.

My friend's wife described this feeling succinctly. They were grocery shopping and a tall, gorgeous blonde seemed to stride past them at the turn of every aisle. The wife didn't say a word to her husband as he continued to gawk at her. When they finally made it to the car, she said to him, "I saw you staring in the produce section." He'd learned in recovery not to get defensive or try to cover his tracks. He just replied, "Yeah. And in the dairy and meat sections too." He was waiting for the lecture, for the yelling, for the scene, but what she did instead crushed him. She looked up at him and replied with an air of defeat, "I wish you would save some of those looks for me."

Be willing to lay down your perceived rights for the sake of the relationship. This may include your perceived right to flirt, to have friendships with members of the opposite sex, or even to get your legitimate needs met in an illegitimate way. You may feel your mate needs to “get over it” and that this is just how you are, and they need to accept it. Perhaps, instead, we need to grow in our capacity to love and learn to care about both the feelings we may be creating in our mate and the feelings we may be stirring in others. Just because it’s the way you’ve always done things or the way you’ve always been doesn’t make it a safe and loving act. Learn to protect your relationship.

Collaborated with Affair Recovery Center CEO Rick Reynolds