How to Get Your Mate to Cooperate (Without Being Controlling)
Are you having difficulty approaching or motivating your mate? After infidelity, it's not unusual for couples to struggle with this. In fact, I'm frequently asked these questions:
How do I get my mate to address their addiction?
How do I get my mate to work with me in parenting?
How do I get my mate to be more financially responsible?
How do I get my mate to talk to me, or a third party, about our sexual issues?
Sometimes, a change in how you approach them can motivate them to do something that's helpful, loving and, in the long run, what you both want.
One reason why I get these questions is that one spouse isn't responding to the other's request. Ted Huston, a researcher at the University of Texas, conducted a study with more than 168 couples over nearly a decade-and-a-half. He discovered that the biggest predictor of a split in a couple wasn't conflicted but, rather, it was a lack of responsiveness. It's something that we all struggle with. I think especially with infidelity, when you ask your mate to do something and there's a lack of responsiveness, it can add to the pain that's already there from the rupture in the relationship. In the long run, we want to know that:
We matter to our mate.
We're important to them.
They choose us.
When our loved one doesn't respond, it can make us feel insignificant, unimportant, and even unloved by them.
The other reason why I often get questions about finances, sex, children, and family is that they're the four topics we tend to be most passionate about; they're also the four areas typically at the core of failed relationships. If you and your mate disagree regarding any of the big four, or if they have a problem with addiction, you'll want to be able to address these important issues together.
Of course, you're not responsible for making them "do the right thing." The purpose of these conversations is to show you're invested in the relationship and want what's best for both of you. Sometimes, a change in how you approach them can motivate them to do something that's helpful, loving, and, in the long run, what you both want.
3 Steps for Approaching and Motivating Your Mate
This might seem random but bear with me. I love horses. I find their responses to life to be amazingly similar to mine. Like me, they tend to know what they want, find relationships to be frightening, want the relationship but seem afraid of what it might cost them, and even seem to need coaxing and training. My responses are somewhat similar to those of a horse, and I've found that some of the techniques that work with horses sometimes work with people.
Of course, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Likewise, you can show your mate a path to health, but you can't make them choose it. You can, however, gain peace by knowing that you acted out of love (in their best interest) rather than out of fear or controlling tendencies.
When talking with your mate about your needs and the relationship, I recommend using this simple three-step process. It may or may not have the outcome you desire, but I've seen it help other couples and it might help you, too.
Step 1: Asking
When you don’t ask your mate to do what you need, it robs them of the opportunity to give you a gift.
Ask your mate what you would like them to do. With a horse, that would be a verbal request such as making a kissing sound to signal "Go," "Whoa" or "Stop." If you and your horse are on the same page, then that's all it'll take to get them to cooperate. Starting at any other place besides asking doesn't honor the relationship. The same is true when we speak to our mate.
When you don't ask your mate to do what you need, it robs them of the opportunity to give you a gift. Again, their response may not be what you desire, but asking them for what you need is respectful communication. Sometimes, we assume our mate won't do the right thing. This assumption isn't based in love; it's based in negativity. I encourage you to not only assume the best from your mate but also give them a chance to do right by you by expressing your needs.
If they don't respond to your ask, then you have two options:
You can decide that it's not that important and move on.
You can tell them it's what you need, rather than ask for it.
Step 2: Telling
Too much asking and not enough telling is one of the best ways to confuse a horse. When I "tell" the horse to do something, I'll give them a nudge with my heels and be firm with my voice. If you simply ask, the horse may think that it's just a request and not something that needs to be done. By continuing to only ask your mate to act, it may not communicate the importance of your needs. It may also leave you both feeling frustrated, discouraged and defeated.
If something is really important to you, then you need to be willing to tell your mate it's what you need. Please don't expect them to read your mind. It's possible that they may not "get it." Nevertheless, it's common for people to resist telling their mate what they need because of this false belief: If my partner or spouse "loved me," they'd already know what I need. Trust me when I say that you and your mate are two very different people, and there will be times when you just don't think alike. Give them a chance to do the right thing by speaking up and telling them what you need.
Additionally, some people feel that it's not a loving act to speak up. They believe that if they really loved their partner or spouse, they should be willing to accept them just the way they are. This depends on the situation:
If you want your mate to change who they are, that's an unloving and unreasonable request.
If you want your mate to stop engaging in hurtful behavior that impacts you, that's a loving and reasonable request.
If something is really important to you, then you need to be willing to tell your mate it’s what you need. Please don't expect them to read your mind.
It's not fair to dissect or criticize your mate's personality just because you're in pain. If their actions are what's causing you pain, then you most certainly have a right to speak up. When telling your mate something, it's important that the truth is spoken in love. This shouldn't be a personal attack. You need to be able to clearly state what you desire. For instance, if your relationship is struggling and you asked your mate to go to counseling with you to no avail, then you've gotta tell them what you need.
Asking sounds like this: "Would you go to counseling with me?" If the answer is no, then you can turn up the volume. My wife is the consummate expert at this; she'll actually ask me in the middle of a discussion, "How loud am I going to have to get before you hear me?" At that point, I am aware that we're moving from asking to telling.
Telling sounds like this: "Because I love you and want this relationship to work, I need you to go to this counseling session with me." It's not a question, it's a statement. It's a good idea, to begin with a positive statement, but it's imperative to end with what you need. If you end with a "wish," then your mate may still view this as asking rather than telling.
Telling means speaking clearly about what's important to you. Try to avoid the use of "you" statements when addressing your mate. Instead, stick with what "I" want and what "I'm" going to do, and tell your mate that you want them to join you.
Step 3: Demanding
For the horse, there are no consequences for not responding. This is the hard step. Some of you may not believe you have a right to demand your mate to do anything. I'm not suggesting that you rob them of their choice, I'm simply saying that you also have a choice. It's far more loving to inform your mate of your intention to use that choice, rather than allowing them to continue in a pattern that's destructive to you, themselves or the relationship.
This isn't a step to use when there's a simple difference of opinion. The demand is reserved as a last resort when your mate's behavior is harmful.
I recommend using this format when making a demand: "If you don't ___________, then I will _____________." A consequence has to be tied to the demand or else it carries no weight.
Demand isn't a threat or a means to control your mate; it's telling them what you're going to do if they don't respond or change. It's a warning and an attempt to break the cycle. They still have a choice; it's just that they're now aware of the consequence their choice carries. If demanding has any motive other than love, then it's the wrong motive.
When is it appropriate to make demands? In my opinion, this step should be reserved for when all other efforts have been exhausted. They need to know you are doing this, making this demand because you care for them — not just for yourself. Demand is sometimes effective when you're dealing with infidelity, abuse, and addiction. It can show that you love your mate too much to allow them to continue their destructive patterns. Again, you're not responsible for making your mate "do the right thing." They have to want to save themselves and this relationship.
Don't assume you know how your mate is going to respond and, in turn, refuse to take the risk of speaking up. You never know what they're going to do. It's certainly not a guarantee that they're going to go along with you but, in the long run, if you do make these requests and they don't respond — if you tell them what you need, if you make the demand, and they still refuse to do it — at least you won't have regrets. For love's sake, I urge you to have the courage to speak up and address the hard issues with your mate.
Collaborated with Ricky Renyolds LCSW, CEO of Affair Recovery