Healing After an Affair: How do I Address Unmanageability?
Recently, I was talking with a client about the concept of powerlessness. Something I find to be an excellent antidote to powerlessness and a crucial part of healing after an affair is acceptance:
acceptance of my circumstances
acceptance that my best efforts have brought me to this place
acceptance of my inability to affect change in myself as well as others, and
acceptance of who and what I really am.
Our powerlessness is not an excuse. It's a reality.
Acceptance is often the beginning of hope. Until I can accept that I am powerless, I will be destined to continue in my strivings to change that which I have never successfully managed to change. Rather than accept my powerlessness and move on to a new approach, I will continue to live with the problem as I try to improve the situation, which is what I've tried unsuccessfully to do so many times before. I cannot emphasize this enough: our powerlessness is not an excuse. It's a reality, and it's the denial of that reality that keeps me in a cycle of perpetual failure.
After we come to a place of accepting our powerlessness, it's not uncommon for those in difficult circumstances or dealing with seemingly unstoppable behaviors, to cry out to God for help. We want to be delivered from our personal hell-on-earth that we have created by our own choices. For the hurt spouse, a sense of hopelessness can set in. They may ask, "If it's not about me, and if I can't affect change in my mate, then how can I ever be safe, and how can I ever trust again?" For the unfaithful mate, despair also reigns supreme. They may tell themselves, "If I can't stop, and if I'm truly powerless in the face of my behavior, then it's only a matter of time until life as I know it comes to a screaming halt." What do you do? Is healing after an affair impossible?
If you can't accept where you're at, you'll never get where you're going.
If you find that your best efforts at stopping hurtful or self-destructive behaviors (even, perhaps, after a significant amount of therapy or self-help) have resulted in a continued pattern of more of the same, then I'd invite you to consider the possibility that maybe your life is unmanageable. Unmanageability is not a concept about a single pattern of self-defeating behavior; rather, it is a concept that addresses every aspect of one's life. As human beings, our primary problem is pride. We believe that we can do it, or, at least, that we ought to be able to get it right and our mate certainly ought to be able to get it right. My pride makes me believe that there has to be something that I'm good at and something I can overcome when, in reality, I'm just living in a world of denial, believing that my mate and I have all we need within ourselves to overcome life's obstacles.
The antidote to unmanageability has always been and will always be unconditional surrender—not more passionate self-effort, more therapy, or more insight. If I am unable to see and acknowledge the unmanageability of my circumstance then I will never be willing to consider the possibility that there really is a "higher power" that may be bigger than me. If I really accept my powerlessness over my behavior and circumstances and my own inability to manage my life or my mate's life, then there had better be a God who is bigger than me or I'm up the proverbial creek without a paddle. If I'm left to my own ability and I've never gotten it right, what makes me think that I'm going to improve sometime in the future? There had better be a God who can do better than I can or we're all going down, and it's only going to get worse. I'm only fooling myself if I think I can change on my own or if my mate can change on their own. Healing after an affair is much more tangible once I realize this, as it creates space for me to reach out and get the help I need from qualified professionals with personal experience in this journey, those who know the ins and outs of my trauma.
Acceptance and absolute surrender lead to lasting change.
The source of continued relapse always comes down to an inability to surrender. I will never be willing to do whatever it takes to recover if I believe that my latest course of self-effort or a fresh understanding of my motives will somehow propel me to a new way of acting and relating. It may, for a short season, result in temporary change, but even that change only reinforces the lies that I can change, that I can do it, and that I don't have to fully surrender to a Power that is greater than I am. I believe that if you honestly review the course of your life, you will notice a perpetual pattern of failing to get it right. The crazy thing is, that we address healing after an affair very similarly. You will always be able to find an excuse as to why the latest attempt to get it right failed. Sadly, that excuse will usually fall at the feet of a family member or a loved one, but, in the long run, the only common denominator is you. But it doesn't have to remain that way.