Ever wonder why men cheat and why women cheat?
Why men cheat and why women cheat may be the most common question we hear. After all, how do you reconcile the unfaithful spouse's behavior when it seems so contradictory to their past? How do you wrap your mind around such foreign, out-of-the-blue behavior?
If you're asking the above questions about a cheating spouse, you may also be asking countless other questions like:
Why did they do it? How could they do that and still want to be with me and love me?
What does the other person have that I don't?
Why would they risk their married life here with me for cheap passion with someone who is so messed up and trashy? Can't they see how unrealistic this relationship really is?
Why do men cheat or why do women cheat and then seemingly have no conscience about it?
Did he or she ever really love me to begin with?
How does a betrayer or a cheating spouse think? (i.e. WHAT were you THINKING?!)
Why did they do it?
How could they do that and at the same time still want to be with me and love me?
For starters, a key principle in life—and certainly in understanding infidelity—is the concept that behavior does not equal motive. How often have you done something you didn't want to do? It happens all the time. And while infidelity is horrible and gut-wrenching, it is certainly something that people can get into and then discover it's not what they really wanted.
All too frequently we follow our emotions, falsely believing we want something, only to discover once we have it that it's not what we want at all. In the moment of truth, when the mistake is discovered, it can seem like it's too late. Loyalty bonds have been broken, hearts crushed, vows shattered. I firmly believe lives can be healed, but many times, in the beginning, convincing the parties that their lives can be restored is the bigger challenge.
For the hurt spouse, the question to the cheating spouse remains, "How could you if you really cared?" The fact is that caring has little or nothing to do with what they've done. They behaved in spite of care. A tragic yet poignant aspect of these situations is how they actually reveal to the unfaithful mate what they really wanted all along.
The larger issue is usually for the hurt spouse. It may be painful to believe that their mate really does care about them because then they might be compelled to consider re-entering the relationship. Time, expert help, and proper reconciliatory efforts are the only commodities that can reveal the truth. If you're what they really want, then they'll go the distance and give you the necessary space to heal.
What does the other person have that I don't?
There's no way to determine the why right now. A lifetime can be spent searching for the why. There are as many reasons why as there are stars in the sky. The complexity lies in the multitude of factors driving that choice for the cheating spouse.
For some, infidelity is caused by unhealed and unresolved baggage brought into the marriage. At times, it's a maladaptive response to problems in the marriage. Rather than addressing issues head-on, someone may use some form of infidelity as the solution to their dilemma.
At times, it's about an addiction and, at times, it can even be situational, where someone does something careless at the moment and then feels trapped and unable to disentangle themselves. I'm certainly not minimizing harmful and hurtful behaviors, but it is very possible to end up where you don't want to be and then be absolutely lost on how to actually salvage the situation and the marriage.
Typically, people enjoy how the affair partner makes them feel. Affair partners tend to serve as a vanity mirror (casting an image of ourselves that we think looks pretty good) and the spouse as a makeup mirror (magnifying and highlighting our flaws). This is why the affair partner seems to be the preferred commodity, but, in the long run, it's just an illusion, and eventually, the negatives and baggage will show up once more.
Why would they risk their married life here with me for cheap passion with someone who is so messed up and trashy?
Can't they see how unrealistic this relationship really is?
In all honesty, there is a good chance the person who's acting out isn't even thinking about risking a life of calm and serenity for the excitement of being with someone else. The compartmentalization that most betrayers and even addicts utilize separates the two realities in their minds. The risk is part of what brings the adrenaline and excitement, but the reality of losing everything they hold dear doesn't really hold any weight at the moment. At one level they may be aware that they could lose everything, but the reality of that possibility doesn't really register in their mind. It seems literally incomprehensible to the betrayed spouse, however, it's a very real mindset for the betrayer.
It's a difficult concept to explain to someone who's not an addict. It's a bit like trying to describe light or color to a blind person. You can tell them what it's like, but unless you experience it, then it's hard to believe someone could actually think this way. However, please don't hear me saying this is an excuse for this type of behavior. It absolutely is NOT. The person who lives like this still does know that what they're doing is wrong and that there are ways to deal with their reality. But they have to make that choice on their own. We can help and create opportunities for them to come out of the haze of their choices, but it requires their own commitment to the process.
Why do men cheat or women cheat and have no conscience about it?
Asking the question of why men cheat and why women cheat may really be asking the question why do people cheat and have no guilt regarding their actions? Only a very small percentage of the population experience little to no guilt when acting out. The vast majority feels the prick of conscience, but they use defense mechanisms to push that guilt away.
They can use defense mechanisms such as blaming, victim thinking, minimization, rationalization, or denial as a way to justify their actions and push the guilt away. If they have resentments toward their mate they may justify their actions by feeling their spouse deserves it for the lack of concern for their desires emotionally or sexually. If they've been engaging in the behavior for a longer period of time, their heart may have become hardened to the behavior and it no longer seems that bad, at least to them.
A lack of remorse doesn't mean they have no conscience. It can be an indication that somehow, in their mind, they have come up with a way to justify what they've done in order to avoid taking responsibility for their failure.
Did they ever really love me?
This one is hard to answer. It all depends on how you define love. One thing is for certain, if someone betrays their mate, I know what they've done is not loving. However, I believe every human being is capable of loving someone and, at the same time, in a moment of selfishness, act in ways that are contrary to love. Loving your mate in no way precludes you from being angry with them and saying something hurtful. I understand that saying something hurtful certainly isn't in the same league as a betrayal, but if your love for your mate isn't sufficient to keep you from acting in a way that's unloving toward them, then their love for you may not be sufficient to keep them from doing something hurtful to you.
On the other hand, I believe many people, including cheating spouses, have a very shallow understanding of love. They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality, they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If that's the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them happy. But if for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even better, then it won't be long until the allure of doing something else begins to draw them elsewhere.
If that occurs, does it mean they never loved you? Again, it's hard to know another's heart, but it is possible that their journey into the forbidden may have also opened their eyes and helped them realize that you're what they really cherish. At this point, their reality begins to shift and it's a teeter-totter of guilt, despair, and confusion as to what to do next to try and save the marriage. At the very least, if they are choosing to work on the relationship, I believe their betrayal and your response may be the very thing that begins to teach them the true meaning of love and open up a door for true reconciliation. I know this type of restoration is possible. I've seen it with my own marriage as well as countless others who endeavor to give the marriage a chance to be restored.
How does a betrayer or cheating spouse think? (i.e. WHAT were you THINKING?!)
I'm sad to say, if they had really been thinking and considering the impact of their actions, there is a good chance they never would have done this. I can't tell you how many times I've heard both men and women state if they had known the consequences of their actions before they had acted, they would have never done it. I think very few people rightly consider all the costs when they act out. For your sake and theirs, I wish they had been thinking. I'd have less business, but the world would be a safer place.
Regardless of how you've arrived at this point in your attempts at reconciliation or healing, I want you to know there is hope today. The callousness of your spouse or the unrelenting hurt in your heart doesn't at any level disqualify you from being able to find hope, healing, and a restored love. It's not easy, and it's not overnight, but despite the need for a process, the end result is more than worth it. Relationships are at risk, and the rest of your lives are at risk. Such precious commodities need a proven approach that is rooted not in shaming or ‘guilting' you or your spouse into recovery but in leading you down a road of discovery and healing.
Collaborated with Affair Recovery Center CEO Rick Reynolds